Grief
by djenie
Summary: About the trauma of losing someone dear. Spoiler for "Meridian" S-5. Sam, Jack, (Daniel)


**This story assumes an established Sam/Jack friendship – more personal than the professional one they tried to maintain in the show, but not a romance. **

**Spoiler for Meridian, Season 5.**

**GRIEF**

As long as she didn't look too close at the world around her, she could pretend nothing had happened. She woke the morning after and clung to that first moment of ignorance, of not knowing, carrying it with her into the day. _Just yesterday, he was here. If I step back 24 hours I can see him..._ When people spoke to her, she answered quickly, briefly, and hurried on. She knew she was deliberately moving in a fog. Keeping away from places they usually shared, staying apart from the others. In her work place she concentrated on the task in front of her, shutting out everything else. There was so much to do and so many other places to be, it was easy to pretend she was just not in _the right_ place, that Daniel was simply elsewhere.

He'd left a request that his memorial be held out of doors, 'on a clear day,' he had written in his will, 'a day when the sun is shining and the sky is blue.' They'd had to wait two days, because a storm front was passing through, leaving several inches of pristine white snow on the ground. The spot they chose was higher up on the Mountain, a place they knew he liked to go, to renew himself in the open air. From there, on this day, the world was a glittering landscape of brightness. He would have loved it.

Nearly all of the off-duty personnel climbed the Mountain silently, officers in dress uniforms, non-coms in spic-n-span BDUs. Flowers. Flags. No guns; he'd requested that, too, just in case someone thought it appropriate to give military honors to a civilian. They wouldn't have—they knew him better than that.

She walked alone, avoiding the company of the others. She tried to carry her bubble of denial with her—this was just another hike on a lovely day! But it didn't work. As she felt the cold wind on her face and saw the beauty around her, a huge rage rose up inside her, and she closed her eyes and stood with her fists pressed to her sides, screaming inside—at him, at fate, at the world that could dare to be so perfect without him in it! For just a moment she burned with the desire for revenge! She wanted so badly to _blame_ someone...

But no, it was not like that. He had sacrificed his life willingly to save others. And her anger had nowhere to go.

That night at home, alone, with the windows and doors shut and locked and the lights extinguished, she sat on the floor in the inner hallway and howled her grief and fury until she was exhausted, then fell asleep curled up against the wall.

_If only we had not gone to that planet!_

_If only those alien scientists had not been running that horrible experiment!_

_If only he had not believed he had to save the universe!_

_If only..._

_If only..._

_But we went... and they experimented... and he believed..._

She couldn't change any of it—there was no trade she could make that would let her turn back time, and redo what had happened... She did not believe there was a Supreme Trader up there anyway. And as far as Daniel being ascended and alive 'somewhere'—even if it were true, what good did _that_ do? He was gone. They had lost him. She had lost her best friend.

She tried to bury herself in the work; to the others it probably appeared that she was engrossed in the job, focused on her research. But she would find herself staring blankly at an alien object in her hand—not even wondering about it, not caring what it was or what it did. The sadness was so deep inside her, it became... everything. She avoided talking to everyone.

One day she walked into Daniel's lab and found boxes of his things sitting against the walls, waiting to be moved out. It nearly shattered her; she felt the strength drain out of her, and she slid down to sit on the floor against one of the boxes, burying her face in her hands, beyond tears.

_Why didn't I tell you how much I loved you while you were alive? Did I just assume you knew?_

She asked for time off, and was given a week's leave. She lied, and said she was going to visit her brother and his family. At home she sat in the dark, or slept, or sometimes pretended to read. Now and then, she went to the kitchen to find something to eat, but usually lost her appetite with the first bite. When the phone rang, she didn't answer—Daniel was the only person she wanted to talk to, and he was gone.

On the fifth day, the doorbell rang late in the afternoon. It woke her from a drug-like sleep. She turned over and buried her head in the couch cushions again. The bell rang over and over, and she ignored it, drifting back into a stupor. Vaguely, she heard banging on the door.

"Carter!" The voice was practically in her ear and she slitted her eyes to find O'Neill standing over her.

"Jack..." she muttered. "What're _you_ doing here?"

"Checking on you, Sam." He sat down on the coffee table facing the couch. "You're not answering your phone. Or your door. What're _you_ doing?"

"Sleepin'..." She closed her eyes, and turned her face away from him.

"Major Carter!" he barked.

She reacted automatically to his tone of command, and looked up at him owlishly. "Sir?"

"Did you take something?" he demanded. "Pills, Carter?" he went on, when she gave him a blank stare. "Did you take anything like that?"

"No, sir... ?" She curled deeper into the couch. "Tired... Just let me sleep..."

"Can't do that, Carter." He took her by the shoulders and lifted her to a sitting position. "Sit up, Sam."

She fought him, pulling out of his grasp, crawling away from him on the couch. "Get away! Leave me alone, Jack... please. Why are you here, anyway?"

He stilled. "Daniel sent me," he said in a subdued tone.

That froze her, and she stared at him wide-eyed. "What?! What do you mean...?"

"Just what I said, Sam. Daniel told me to come."

"You... you saw him?"

He nodded. "Just a few minutes ago." His voice had grown shaky.

Disbelieving, she was sarcastic. "Really! Where? Where did you see him?!"

"In my truck." He swallowed, looked away. "He was sitting in my truck when I came out of the Mountain today. He said you... needed me."

She stared at him, angry, furious that he would say something so outrageous and expect her to listen—opened her mouth to yell at him... And suddenly realized that _he_ was near tears; saw how very hard this was for him, too, how every word was ripping him apart.

The rage drained out of her abruptly and she sagged back against the couch, her eyes filling with tears. "You really saw him..." she whispered. "He talked to you... he's... he's..." She lost the words. Her senses spun.

Her face lost its color and her eyes fluttered. Alarmed, he grabbed for her, shoved her head down between her knees.

Gradually the spinning stopped and she drew a deep breath. She felt his hand grow gentle on the back of her neck. "I'm okay," she said. He let her sit up. She was trembling.

He slid over onto the couch and wrapped his arms around her. They both wept.

"I miss him so much," she said later, when the storm of tears had died down. She was still enclosed in Jack's arms. She looked up into his face. "You really did see him?" Her tone begged for reassurance.

"I did." His voice was gruff. "I saw him today, and I saw him the day he ascended."

"He told you to make my father stop trying to heal him."

"Yes. He said it was what he wanted—that he was ready to... move on." He faltered on the last words.

"I was so angry with you for doing that," she admitted. She tightened her arm around him as if to make up for what she was saying.

"Is that why you've avoided me ever since?"

"I didn't want to talk to anyone—it's... it was too hard." She moved restlessly. "I didn't believe you knew what you were saying. It seemed impossible."

He blinked at her. "You thought I was—what... making it up?" He sounded surprised, but not angry. "You actually think I have _that much_ imagination?"

She gave a choky little laugh. "I believed that _you_ believed it.I'm not sure what I thought. Maybe that you were hallucinating or something."

"You saw him ascend. The glowy starfish thingy."

"I saw _something _extraordinary. I don't know." She sighed. "Either way, he's gone." She moved around a little, settled closer in his embrace. "What did he say to you... today?"

"That you were here, not at your brother's—which I will yell at you for later, by the way—and that you needed me."

"He came here and saw me?"

"Yep." Jack nodded.

"Why didn't he speak to me?"

"He tried, Babe." Jack rubbed a hand gently over her hair. "But you couldn't hear or see him."

"Oh." She was quiet then.

The silence stretched out so long that Jack began to wonder if she'd fallen asleep. He bent down to see her face, but her eyes were open and she gave him a weak smile. She was pale and there were dark shadows under her eyes. Did her cheeks look hollow?

"How long since you ate?" he asked.

"I don't know..."

"Today?"

She shrugged.

"Yesterday?"

She made a face. "I tried. Food made me nauseated."

"We need to get you something to eat."

She shrugged again, as if to push away the idea.

"It's either that," he said firmly, "or I take you to the SGC and turn you over to Janet."

"Oh, God, no," she said with half a laugh.

"I'm going to see what you have in your kitchen." He slid his arms from around her. "Stay here. I'll be back."

She obeyed, unwilling to admit how weak she felt, afraid she would not even be able to stand up by herself.

He was gone only a few minutes. "Don't you ever shop, Carter? Scrambled eggs or oatmeal? I'll make both if you want."

"Oatmeal." The thought of eggs was unpleasant.

Fifteen minutes later he brought in a tray with a bowl of oatmeal for her, and tea for both of them. He set the bowl on the coffee table in front of her and she stared at it.

"I can feed it to you, if necessary," he threatened after a few minutes.

One look at his face told her he meant it. She picked up the spoon. To her surprise, it tasted good. He'd made it thin, so it was easy to swallow, and sweetened it with honey, and put in a little butter for flavor. She had some of the tea, which also had honey, and did not complain, although she usually took it with just milk. ("The milk in your fridge is spoiled, Carter.") He drank his own tea and watched her. He raised an eyebrow when she stopped after eating half the bowl.

"That's really all I can manage right now, Jack." She picked up the tea and sipped. "I do feel better, though," she admitted.

"Okay. That'll do until dinner."

She finished the tea and sat back in the cushions beside him. When he reached to put his arms around her again, she moved away a little.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I haven't had a shower in a while."

He made a face. "Carter! I've slept in the same tent with you after we've hiked in the desert for twelve hours. I've hauled you—_and been hauled by you_—through swamps and mud, and God knows what other unspeakable crap." He pulled her over to him, settling her against his chest, with his arms wrapped around her from behind. "Do you seriously think not showering for a couple of days is going to put me off?"

She laughed and relaxed against him. It felt so much better to be held. "No, I suppose not. Still..."

"I can go out and run around the block—work up a sweat, if that'll make you feel better."

"No." They were quiet for a while.

"I'm so sorry I didn't check on you before now, Sam," Jack broke the silence, his voice full of regret. "You shouldn't have been here alone."

"I wanted to be alone," she told him. "I didn't want anybody with me. That's why I lied about going to Mark's. That way no one would worry."

"I shoulda called Mark to see if you made it okay—I meant to, but I just got busy. I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing," she insisted. "It was me. I couldn't stand the thought of having to see anybody, or talk to them. I just wanted to shut down." She paused ruefully. "I guess that's what I did, until you showed up. Thank you."

"I'd have come sooner, if I'd known."

She squeezed his arm lightly. "I know you would."

There was another lengthy silence.

"What did he look like, Jack?" Sam asked softly.

He sighed. "Pretty much the same as always. The day he ascended, he was a bit glowy—but he was himself."

"And... today?"

"Just... himself. Glasses and all. You wouldn't think he'd need the glasses anymore."

He stroked her cheek softly, and there was another silence.

"Why do you suppose I couldn't see him?" she asked eventually.

His hand stilled on her face. "I don't know, Sam."

"Do you think it's something about me? It must have been my fault—" She broke off with a gulp. "I'd've really liked to see him..." she whispered, her voice wobbly. "I should have told him how much he meant to me... why couldn't I see him?"

Jack tightened his arms around her. "I'm so sorry, Babe." He felt her tears fall on his forearm. She was right, he thought—you should tell people how you feel before it's too late. He wondered what she would say if he told her how much he loved her.

**Two thoughts brought this on; first, it just seemed wrong to me that they didn't have some sort of memorial for Daniel, so I gave him one; second, in a later episode Sam mentioned that Daniel didn't appear to her while he was ascended. I think she would have been very upset by that, especially since Jack and Teal'c saw him, and would have wondered if it was her fault.**

**I hope you liked it! **


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